Survival Mode

I finally had a chance to catch my breath today! Eli went to bed early, as a result of another very early morning and it was so nice! I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off since Nick left. We've been busy and social, which is good, but it made home life a little bit chaotic. And I just felt like I was wearing myself thin trying to keep up.

Add to that my early riser, and the fact that I have been staying up late for no good reason, and I have been pooped! I even took a little cat nap yesterday during Eli's nap. Oh that's right, geographically single parenting= exhausting! Can't wait for a little bit of backup when my parents arrive for a visit this week!

Before Nick left, I felt like I was gearing up for a storm. Battening down the hatches, if you will. And now the storm is here. And we just have to ride it out. Because he's worth it, and this is only temporary, no matter how long it may seem. But thankfully, there is One who is in control of it all.

And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, "Save us, Lord; we are perishing." And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, "What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?" (Matthew 8:24-27 ESV)

And, of course, in complete non-coincidence (because God knows all too well what I need to hear), today's sermon at church was completely related to my current situation. It was about the parable in Luke 19 about the servants and their return on the investment their master has given them.

I have been making excuses about checking in on people and having people over since the guys left. I wanted to wait until my life seemed less chaotic and my house was in order, or after the holidays. But between the sermon and the example and hospitality shown to me by fellow wives, I realized I had it all wrong. I need to be serving others all the time, not when it is convenient for me or I have my life in order. That's selfish, and people need some love now. I could make excuses forever and then I'm the one with nothing to offer God or others. Even a small gesture is better than nothing and now it is so clear what my priorities should be.

Although I shouldn't neglect myself and my family, there are so many others in the same or worse shape. It's not all about me! And God will take care of us too and give us just what we need. Which tonight means rest!

Reality

Reality is starting to set in. It was the same during the last deployment, and while Nick was at Ranger School for 3 months this summer. The first few days, there is a good amount of denial and just a fog surrounding life. And then it starts to sink in that he's really gone. And the fact that we have a long road ahead. And being a geographically single parent is tiring. Between keeping busy and taking care of Eli full time, I'm tired.

I think what really made it sink in today was sorting laundry, of all things. Seeing his clothes that won't be worn for 9 months. It was just an all too present reminder of our reality. Which is probably why I got into crazy cleaning mode the past few days and tidied up all of his things left throughout the house. I just don't want those reminders all the time.

Don't get me wrong, it really was an alright day today. It's just that that underlying sadness that I had before grew a bit and it's starting to sink in. But I don't have time to just sit and mope. Life goes on. And I have an adorably sweet little monkey to take care of and play with and be present with. And battle buddies to commiserate with. And family to talk to. And those deployment goals to work on. And my husband to pray for and FaceTime with (praise God for technology!)

And I have a God who is faithful and will see us through:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39 ESV)

Day 2

Well, we got through the first full day! Other than Eli waking up super early (thanks buddy!), it wasn't terrible. There was definitely an underlying sense of sadness and this new normal is going to take a lot of getting used to, especially at dinner time and around the time Nick would usually come home from work. But, let me tell you, Eli is a very good distraction! I don't think we'll have a problem keeping busy.

Eli is doing really well too, but I know it is because he really doesn't understand the situation. He asked for Nick a few times, but no more so than normal. And I made sure that we watched some "Dada story time" (videos of Nick reading) and our Daddy doll got lots of love at bedtime.

We also started our deployment countdown (see picture at the bottom) and moved our first toy soldier! Man, that felt good! I think Eli enjoyed it too. I liked that it was a tangible way to count down, while involving Eli, and didn't use a number (I can always add or subtract soldiers if I need to). Because if there's anything I've learned about the Army in the past 5 years, it's that things change!

If you're interested in stealing the idea, it was really easy! I made use of the beloved Pinterest and Hobby Lobby and got the biggest jars I could find (the first ones I got were way too small to fit all of the soldiers) and used stickers for the words. "Mission accomplished" was a close second for the wording on the second jar. Feel free to get creative The Army men/toy soldiers were an Amazon purchase.

As rough as last night was, I felt so incredibly loved and supported. Every prayer (and I know there were a lot of them!) was felt and God's presence was so evident. As much as I wouldn't wish this situation for myself (or anyone else for that matter), it is such an opportunity to trust God. And I know he has great growth in store for us as a family.

I am in the midst of a Bible study on Romans, and this verse totally stuck out for me this past week:
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV)
I think it is going to be my deployment verse and I am going to try to memorize it. I know that God will use this deployment for our good and His glory.

Oh, and check out my sister's blog for our (my 2 sisters, my sister-in-law and I) picture a day challenge #countingourblessings2012
We are posting a picture on Instagram every day for the month of November of things we are thankful and praising God for. I can't think of a better time to count my blessings and keep things in perspective.

Didn't quite get to my deployment goals yet, so those are still coming soon. Stay tuned!

Here We Go Again

Well, deployment number two has officially begun. We've known this was coming for awhile and it's been a bit of a whirlwind leading up to it.

Some things were easier this time around (being in the moment, not just dreading him leaving, knowing that it's only supposed to be 9 months instead of twelve, knowing that God will do amazing things in our lives again, etc). But regardless, it was not a very fun day and saying "see you later" to my best friend will never be easy.

Eli was a total champ and, although he was confused about all the tears, he gave endless hugs and smooches. Which broke my heart and made me happy at the same time. He is such a sweet boy and we are so blessed to have him.

I feel like I'm in a fog and am completely emotionally and physically exhausted, so this will be short. But, I am hoping to start blogging again frequently and not neglect this little blog anymore. Coming soon will be my deployment goals, once I actually write them down.

And, the plan is to catch up with the monthly Eli updates I so abruptly stopped. Because he blows me away every day with the new things he learns and says (today's new word: Jesus!) and I would love to capture as much of that as possible, especially for Nick to read.

So, to be continued...